That Friday morning…

It was 7:10 am and she was screaming at me for her breakfast (boobie milk)

I felt empty and useless at this point because I was very lost in my mind and all I needed to do was get Ava-lily to daycare by 8:45 am because a trip to the movies was booked and she was not to be late.

I remember at this point I managed to get a small feed done and put her back in her Moses basket.

She screamed and screamed none stop getting louder and louder as each minute went by on my watch.

It’s was now 8:35 am and there was no way I could get everything done so I put her in the capsule and threw Ava-lily in the car still in her pjs and off we went to daycare.

I had no way out and that is all my brain was screaming at me.

There were a thousand images going around in my head and the daycare owner answered the door. I walked in and she said you look exhausted my love!

I didn’t really reply and just simple kept smiling but inside my heart was just crumbling to pieces. I bumped into another daycare mummy who actually was a close friend of mine and just remember her saying good morning or hello and my reply was a hand to her arm because I had no words. Nothing would come out. I walked out and jumped in the car. She was still screaming.

I started the engine and drove around the area we lived in for about 20 minutes.

All of a sudden there was this flash in my mind of my husband David and Ava-lily (my first born) without me around and Ava-lily was much older.

It was in that second that my hand started to turn the steering wheel slightly towards on coming traffic.

I was picturing a major accident and images of my car rolling flashed before me. The tears came thick and fast and then I took back control and pulled over immediately.

What the fuck just happened ?

I was completely lost and decided I had to go and get some help. I drove to my GP clinic near by and walked into reception. I was struggling to speak and the receptionist was looking at me.

I dropped the capsule on the ground and started crying.

I was quickly escorted to a room and seen there by a beautiful doctor (Dr Sarah Gane)

She asked me to explain what had been happening and eventually all the words of pure sadness came rolling off my tounge.

“I don’t love her” that’s what I said!

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She is just a baby

My days are spent with a baby,

She is a baby! (How can it be that hard) My house is a mess, the bed hardly gets made, my washing is not done, my floors are not swept, (The Hoover blew up) my hubby goes and gets the groceries my hair well that just does whatever and my clothes are what ever fits these days!

Sometimes I’m lucky to get a shower amongst all the chaos…

I have a toddler who craves my attention so much it’s breaking my heart and all I want is my family in the uk

AND lately I’ve been just trying to stay the fuk on top of it all including my business and finally after 4 weeks of feeling like my little flame went out inside of me I am admitting to myself that I need to talk.

Because all you see is a woman , a mother , a wife who just keeps smiling and she looks like it’s all ok but it’s really not and on the inside she is slowly crumbling.

I don’t really care what people think and my heart has now allowed me to surrender and own I was scared to actually admit I was failing at motherhood the second time around and I was also afraid of the judgement it might come with as unfortunately there are people out there that do judge (not so nice) and this makes it really tough as a mum to know if your doing a good job.

Today I went to my GP finally and told myself it’s ok that I need this support and by doing this now I can get back the claire I miss so much.

My lesson from this week has been to truly own my feelings and sit in them rather than trying to hide them or block it.

The person I am like today as a mummy of two is not a happy one and although I love my children so much I’m no use to them like this and my road to recovery started when I took the first step yesterday.

My message to all mums out there is speak up, allow people in and don’t hide

#speakout

#speakup

#ownthefeelings

#postnatalcareisimportant

So now your confused right? So was I back then and this was my Facebook post on April 13th 2018.

This was the day I realised I could not continue and my next blog post will explain exactly what happened on that day of the morning of 13th April 2018.

I didn’t know how to love you

You arrived at 3:36 pm on 27th December 2017 and you were perfect but the moment the midwife lay you on my chest I had this dark feeling inside of me and it felt like my heart was being crushed.

I didn’t know why I had you and I was asking myself one question

“how will I tell your daddy that I didn’t know how to love you”

The pain travelled straight through me and my gut was being turned inside out. I was lost and it was only the beginning.

You seemed settled and happy and there was a small amount of time that I forgot you were around.

That night we had no visitors because it was late and we were all tired.

You latched on to my breast with no issues and I rang for the nurse because I was scared to handle you alone and was that because I didn’t feel love towards you?

I’m not sure and I can’t ever be if I’m honest.

This was just along road to so much discovery.

Three Years Later

The photo I took when I was hiding from the world and pretending I was ok when Infact I was falling to pieces and had no idea what my next move was going to be.

Pictures can tell lies and I will hold my hands up and admit that I was just trying to smile and get through the tough days. Taking pictures is something I really enjoy doing so when I reflect up on this and the many pictures I did take while feeling quite low I believe was an escape method and coping strategy.

The days rolled into nights and were just blended at one point that I remember sitting on the couch asking myself what even was sleep and why did I deserve it.

It was late February and it was slightly warm in Perth Australia.

I was feeding Anna-Leigh one night and she looked up at me with her big bold beautiful eyes and the only question in my head I had right at that moment was why do I have you…

“The Newborn Days”

Days to be remembered they say… hmm m no i don’t think so and here is why.

It was day three of being at home with a newborn baby and all i remember is starting to cry because i was not dressed. The tears just rolled down my cheeks and just did not stop.

There i was half naked with a life sucking human that was relying on me for milk from my boobs (Breastfeeding now there is a topic i will write about soon)

I looked at my husband and he said “its ok baby cakes” (Corney i know but at that moment he made me smile)

So on a side note if your lucky enough to have a supportive human and life partner by your side then take some time to appreciate them and tell them everyday because their emotions and feelings matter too.

And so i remember instantly feeling like it was always going to be like this from that day on i was now known as “Mumma Bear” not “Claire Bear”

Yep that’s right i slowly started to forget who i was and everything i did slowly started to become about Ava-lily.

 

A mothers journey

Becoming a mum is a life changing experience and holding that precious bundle in your arms is a profound moment in time. (SO I WAS TOLD)

I myself want to tell my journey with all the bells and whistles added in along the way and trust me there are some huge ass bells …

So its July 11th 2015 and there i am laying on a hospital bed being told to push with everything i have left in me otherwise its time to go under the chop chop ( C-SECTION)

Well that was it out popped this little pink ball of skin and hair with tiny toes and huge fingers. Her hair was so thick and dark and she had the most magical black eyeballs that just looked straight through you.

We called her Ava-Lily and in that second of deciding her name all of the love i had been feeling while carrying her in my tummy came into reality.  Little did i know that she was going to take me on the most amazing roller coaster of my life, she was going to show me things and make me see the world in a very different way.