Everything you read about this journey I write about will always lead back to two beautiful souls who came into my world and rocked it like an earthquake…
I shared in my last blog post the fear of them being taken away was a big demon.
It was the biggest fear I had to face up to when I was placed on the mother and baby unit at Fiona Stanley Hospital in Perth.
Walking into the unit I just had one image stuck in my head. That image is of my beautiful first born Ava-lily.
She had no idea where her mummy was and if she was ever coming home.
I was simply numb and just kept putting one foot in front of the other as we were directed to my room. My husband stood by my side the whole time and Baby Anna-leigh just stared up at me from her pushchair.
I remember our Nurse and she was amazing her name was Heidi.
She told me it was normal for me to feel like I was and that I could stay in the room as long as I required.
I remember looking around the room and noticed that every tap, door handle or feature of the room was made in certain way.
It was getting close to late afternoon by this point and I was told that Anna-leigh would sleeping in the nursery for the first two nights.
The next step was a meeting with the emergency psych team. The female doctor that sat with me was very open and told me I was safe and had nothing to be concerned about.
I started to share with her what was floating around in my head and then I burst into tears and broke down.
I just could not even begin to think about letting them in.
What if I tell them my intrusive thoughts?
What if I tell them I had been struggling to feed myself and the kids?
What if I tell them I had not showered for 4 days ?
What if I tell them about the nightmares?
There were so many what ifs and my brain would just not shut up. I was so scared by this point that I actually now believe I was in shock.
The evening staff where due on shift and I was just handing over Anna-leigh for her first night in the nursery. I didn’t feel sad and the strange thing was I had this feeling of relief rush through my body.
What was that?
Well for that whole next week I questioned myself everyday.