You arrived at 3:36 pm on 27th December 2017 and you were perfect but the moment the midwife lay you on my chest I had this dark feeling inside of me and it felt like my heart was being crushed.
I didn’t know why I had you and I was asking myself one question
“how will I tell your daddy that I didn’t know how to love you”
The pain travelled straight through me and my gut was being turned inside out. I was lost and it was only the beginning.
You seemed settled and happy and there was a small amount of time that I forgot you were around.
That night we had no visitors because it was late and we were all tired.
You latched on to my breast with no issues and I rang for the nurse because I was scared to handle you alone and was that because I didn’t feel love towards you?
I’m not sure and I can’t ever be if I’m honest.
This was just along road to so much discovery.
The photo I took when I was hiding from the world and pretending I was ok when Infact I was falling to pieces and had no idea what my next move was going to be.
Pictures can tell lies and I will hold my hands up and admit that I was just trying to smile and get through the tough days. Taking pictures is something I really enjoy doing so when I reflect up on this and the many pictures I did take while feeling quite low I believe was an escape method and coping strategy.
The days rolled into nights and were just blended at one point that I remember sitting on the couch asking myself what even was sleep and why did I deserve it.
It was late February and it was slightly warm in Perth Australia.
I was feeding Anna-Leigh one night and she looked up at me with her big bold beautiful eyes and the only question in my head I had right at that moment was why do I have you…
Days to be remembered they say… hmm m no i don’t think so and here is why.
It was day three of being at home with a newborn baby and all i remember is starting to cry because i was not dressed. The tears just rolled down my cheeks and just did not stop.
There i was half naked with a life sucking human that was relying on me for milk from my boobs (Breastfeeding now there is a topic i will write about soon)
I looked at my husband and he said “its ok baby cakes” (Corney i know but at that moment he made me smile)
So on a side note if your lucky enough to have a supportive human and life partner by your side then take some time to appreciate them and tell them everyday because their emotions and feelings matter too.
And so i remember instantly feeling like it was always going to be like this from that day on i was now known as “Mumma Bear” not “Claire Bear”
Yep that’s right i slowly started to forget who i was and everything i did slowly started to become about Ava-lily.
Becoming a mum is a life changing experience and holding that precious bundle in your arms is a profound moment in time. (SO I WAS TOLD)
I myself want to tell my journey with all the bells and whistles added in along the way and trust me there are some huge ass bells …
So its July 11th 2015 and there i am laying on a hospital bed being told to push with everything i have left in me otherwise its time to go under the chop chop ( C-SECTION)
Well that was it out popped this little pink ball of skin and hair with tiny toes and huge fingers. Her hair was so thick and dark and she had the most magical black eyeballs that just looked straight through you.
We called her Ava-Lily and in that second of deciding her name all of the love i had been feeling while carrying her in my tummy came into reality. Little did i know that she was going to take me on the most amazing roller coaster of my life, she was going to show me things and make me see the world in a very different way.