That Friday morning…

It was 7:10 am and she was screaming at me for her breakfast (boobie milk)

I felt empty and useless at this point because I was very lost in my mind and all I needed to do was get Ava-lily to daycare by 8:45 am because a trip to the movies was booked and she was not to be late.

I remember at this point I managed to get a small feed done and put her back in her Moses basket.

She screamed and screamed none stop getting louder and louder as each minute went by on my watch.

It’s was now 8:35 am and there was no way I could get everything done so I put her in the capsule and threw Ava-lily in the car still in her pjs and off we went to daycare.

I had no way out and that is all my brain was screaming at me.

There were a thousand images going around in my head and the daycare owner answered the door. I walked in and she said you look exhausted my love!

I didn’t really reply and just simple kept smiling but inside my heart was just crumbling to pieces. I bumped into another daycare mummy who actually was a close friend of mine and just remember her saying good morning or hello and my reply was a hand to her arm because I had no words. Nothing would come out. I walked out and jumped in the car. She was still screaming.

I started the engine and drove around the area we lived in for about 20 minutes.

All of a sudden there was this flash in my mind of my husband David and Ava-lily (my first born) without me around and Ava-lily was much older.

It was in that second that my hand started to turn the steering wheel slightly towards on coming traffic.

I was picturing a major accident and images of my car rolling flashed before me. The tears came thick and fast and then I took back control and pulled over immediately.

What the fuck just happened ?

I was completely lost and decided I had to go and get some help. I drove to my GP clinic near by and walked into reception. I was struggling to speak and the receptionist was looking at me.

I dropped the capsule on the ground and started crying.

I was quickly escorted to a room and seen there by a beautiful doctor (Dr Sarah Gane)

She asked me to explain what had been happening and eventually all the words of pure sadness came rolling off my tounge.

“I don’t love her” that’s what I said!


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