I didn’t know how to love you

You arrived at 3:36 pm on 27th December 2017 and you were perfect but the moment the midwife lay you on my chest I had this dark feeling inside of me and it felt like my heart was being crushed.

I didn’t know why I had you and I was asking myself one question

“how will I tell your daddy that I didn’t know how to love you”

The pain travelled straight through me and my gut was being turned inside out. I was lost and it was only the beginning.

You seemed settled and happy and there was a small amount of time that I forgot you were around.

That night we had no visitors because it was late and we were all tired.

You latched on to my breast with no issues and I rang for the nurse because I was scared to handle you alone and was that because I didn’t feel love towards you?

I’m not sure and I can’t ever be if I’m honest.

This was just along road to so much discovery.

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